Gender roles step aside!

I have decided that in my own marriage, however many years away from now, I will not conform to certain relationship norms, specifically in gender roles.

A handful of important women in my life have confided in me their frustration with overwhelming marital stresses that they feel are very much out of their control. I listen and learn, of course, but I never understood why these women feel they cannot make the needed changes to better the situation. But soon enough, the answer comes. One spouse, or both for that matter, are silently, but stubbornly, very opposed to changing the marital roles they hold.

The way I see it, MARRIAGE IS A PARTNERSHIP.

A marriage does not operate on two to fulfill their duties, but together as one to make it work. That means jumping in to help out your spouse when it's clear they are struggling. Sounds easy, but oh so many relationships do not work this way. Heck, many don't even know how to help!

One man I know couldn't distribute birthday cards properly because he hadn't done it a day in his life. Later I found he had no knowledge of basic household skills because he had no desire to do ever learn so. He went without clean laundry for weeks, because the washing was "the wife's job" and she wasn't around to do it. That is pure laziness, and to me that is not acceptable.

Give me a hardworking man who pays the bills on time, holds a steady job, and keeps the lawn mowed, and I'll give you a man who would starve to death if his wife went out of town.

Give me a loyal woman who does the washing, gets the kids off to school, and makes the beds, and I'll give you a woman who can't manage the pocketbook.

I have gone as far as telling my suitors that if they marry me, I will not tolerate these kind of behaviors. I am very stubborn, and if my husband thinks he can sit back after a long day's work when the phone is ringing, the dishes are dirty, the baby is screaming, and dinner is boiling over, I will hand him some raw spaghetti and head to the crazy house.

Now I am still traditional in a lot of ways. I believe that a family should consist of both a mother and father, with the fathers' duty as provider, and the mothers' duty as nurturer. The thing that gets to me is that so many couples accept these duties, but fail to jump in elsewhere when their help is needed.

No more of this man goes to work, woman cooks and cleans crap. If I've had a hard day, I want him to wrap his arms around me, take the spatula from my hands, and send me off to a bubble bath while he fixes up something to eat. In return, when he's stressed about work, I'll take the car in for an oil change, mow the lawn, and iron his shirts.

My mom and I have had many discussions about this topic, and how out of hand these "expectations" can get if not addressed early in a marriage. That's when these women start feeling like they have no control- they have lived the same way for so long that neither spouse knows how, or will, change things. Yes when you are freshly married it is easy for a woman to wait on her husband, excited with her new responsibilities. But it is important to agree that you will both step up to new roles and duties when it is needed. And believe me, that time will come.

I chalk it up to generation norms. Very rare is a baby boomer that completely welcomes the tweaking of traditional gender roles. "Because," they say, "it's traditional. It's unheard of." To them, the man goes to work and the woman stays at home to tend to the babies. "Why fix something that isn't broken," they think.

My generation on the other hand, has developed an entirely new way of life. Suddenly the best chefs, clothing designers and makeup artists in the world are men, and women thrive as accountants, architects and political icons. With gender roles disappearing so rapidly in the career place, shouldn't they be evolving in the home as well?

One thing's for sure, I'm not going to let gender roles get in the way of my marriage. When I take those marital vows one day, I'll be agreeing to a partnership that means we will both help out the other where needs be.

And if he doesn't agree with that... well, he'll be spending his nights in the doghouse. ;)